A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
You Might Also Like
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know