[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.