I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
You Might Also Like
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
the Monday after daylight savings
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?