My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I can also cook 😂
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”