Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
me when i see my girls butt
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?