I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
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*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.