If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
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When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.