HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.