(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
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Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
wish me luck lads
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!