Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses