It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.