My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
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Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Trains are just sideway elevators.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”