lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.