Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Erm…
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Mornin
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.