One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!