Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Does this dress make me look cat?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
This has made my week.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?