It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
That was easy.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
next question.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.