Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
You Might Also Like
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
i could never be president. im overqualified.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.