I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I can’t wait!
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)