Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
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Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
There’s never enough good news
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.