[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
You Might Also Like
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
The USS B port
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
i spent way too long on this
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Yup….perfect score!
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
security at the airport getting more straightforward