When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
This is a sub tweet
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.