My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person