I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow