son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
You Might Also Like
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.