I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My love language is deader than Latin
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.