Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
scrabbled eggs
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.