I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
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*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.