Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
You Might Also Like
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime