Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?