Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Love this one 😂🧟
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.