I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
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Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Not my job 😂
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.