HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares