hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
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I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
mood
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus