Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
figuring out my emotional availability:
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.