I would guard your potatoes so hard.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Good point.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.