2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.