i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.