Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
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HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Extremely relatable.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.