Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The USS B port
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
choose your fighter
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.