If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Monday?
No. Next question.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.