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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
This made me smile…
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.