Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Coffee is ready.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit