Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
#oldknees
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.