Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?