5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]