Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
You Might Also Like
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal