Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.