Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
You Might Also Like
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!