Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say